a life that is shifting {self-portrait challenge}
An imperfect person living in her life.
I grew up listening to Paul Simon. I have distant memories of Saturdays and my mom stacking several records on the turn table and hearing her sing along. I will suddenly know the words to a song and it is because of those Saturdays and that stack of records. I sometimes wonder how many songs I really know (and how I would not have failed chemistry in college if it had been taught in song).
Back in June, Paul Simon’s newest album, Surprise, was the first album I downloaded onto my iPod nano. And I listened to it over and over again. On an afternoon in June, I pretended for a moment that he was sitting on a stool singing to me. And somehow in that moment, with my eyes closed and my ears and heart absorbing every word, I believed he really was there. And he has been singing to me ever since.
I am still absorbing the fact that I saw him in concert last month because, well, you see, I really do think he is singing to me. His words have hit me in a way that forces me to stop and listen and reflect and navigate a bit differently. And now he is appearing to me in dreams. He is literally singing to me in my dreams now. I wake up and think, “Paul is trying to tell me something else. Better listen to him today.”
Last week, I was listening to the album Still Crazy After All These Years while I was working. The second time it was playing through, I has paused my work and in the deep breath of a moment, I was struck by the song “Gone at Last.” So I played it on repeat a few times and danced and sang and danced some more.
Gone, gone, gone at last
Gone at last, gone at last
I had a long streak of that bad luck
But I’m prayin’
it’s gone at last
With this song it is partly the beat that got me off my feet and got me to pay attention. But then it was these words that had me tearing up in that “oh shit, you so are validating all I have experienced, the crap and the good and the big crap and the fantastic” way. Those tears that prick at the back of my eyeballs because I know I am not alone in how I feel, how I “get it.”
Once in a while from out of nowhere
When you don’t expect it, and you’re unprepared
Somebody will come and lift you higher
And your burdens will be shared
Yes I do believe, if I hadn’t met you
I might still be sinking fast
I’ve had a long streak of bad luck
But I’m praying it’s gone at last
I cannot believe how much my life has changed in the past 18 months. I. cannot. believe. it. And although I believe I was on this path to begin with, I still know that things have shifted. And, it is only because of a broken heart, the deepest of grief, that my path shifted. I know I have written about this idea before, but I just need to say it again and again and again because it simply rocks me. That such sadness could bring such life and meaning to my world. To be given a gift of myself even when the grief claws at me. It is astounding.
In the song “Graceland,” Simon sings,
And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow
I don’t think you understand what this means until, one day you do. Someone asked me recently if losing my grandmother was the first time my heart was broken. And I said yes. But the truth is that is not the case. There have been other moments where my heart hurt. However, this was the first time I understood. That is the difference. When my parents divorced, the pain was deep and confusing, and I didn’t understand. Other moments in my life have been like this, painful but I didn’t understand the pain.
When I stood in that funeral home, in one swift moment I understood. I understood all of it. I understood everything.
I walked into that room as one person and walked out as another version of myself. Though only one piece of my reality had changed, it was clear that this new understanding shifted everything.
Back in June when I closed my eyes and Paul Simon sat on a stool in my bedroom singing to me, the words to “Once Upon a Time There Was Ocean” sang in my heart because I knew the singer of this song understood this idea. Understood me. And so began my love affair with the poetry of Paul Simon’s lyrics.
I figure that once upon a time I was an ocean
But now I’m a mountain range
Something unstoppable set into motion
Nothing is different, but everything’s changed
self-portrait
Reader Comments (14)
it's sometimes strange how life's most profound messeges are delivered to us; how the moments are sewn into our own fabric of being that will stay with us forever. your experession of this is so perfect. comfort and peace be with you love.
it is true that until
you lose someone that
means that much to you,
your heart has only
hurt
before...
i remember thinking that
when i was younger
that the biggest hurt i had
was breaking up with my
fiance...
until my best friend was killed...
then i realized the difference.
the emptiness i felt when
she died was all encompassing.
i was empty.
i was silent.
a break up in comparison
was nothing...it was a ripple.
beautiful writing.
liz,
i'm going to come back and back to this post. hopefully i'll be be able to email you to tell you how much it meant to me. thank you.
This is a beautiful post, Liz, and a lovely photo of you. I love the movement it shows.
There is something different about losing someone and the way it shifts the world and changes who you are. My heart has been broken too many times, but not like losing my sister. This is more profound than anything else.
incredible liz! in many ways i can understand. i feel this very way about my divorce. my divorce was the most painful and the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. if it had not all been taken away (the dreams, the security, the masks i'd been hiding behind) i never would have ached enough to search for something else, something deep within myself. divorce is a different situation and a different kind of grief but i certainly can relate to how one moment, one event, can shift and alter your life forever. and how astounding that can be.
you and Paul Simon are indeed kindred spirits.
"...but now i am a mountain range, something stoppable set into motion...".
how true this is for your life right now, Lizzie.
and this picture emulates that beautifully.
i am excited to talk with you about this in person, baby...soon.
ps. vain comment: love your sweater! xo
a beautiful and moving post, full of truth, beauty and honesty. thanks for sharing in so many amazing words an amazing part of who you are.
Truly beautiful Liz, you are admired by me,
xxx darlene
Your posting about the loss of your grandma always gets me thinking... I see something, a lesson for me. I have lost so many people, that I think a bit of me shut down to the pain of it. But you can't really do that. An dwhen you think you can, it is still always there. I love that you are not afraid to look at this loss, and feel the pain of it, and take the value from it where you can. It makes me want to turn around and look at the things I push down about this in my own life, where death has taken from me.
Thanks.
:)
A beautiful post about your most important "Defining Moment" and the wonderful turn your life has taken. This is so inspiring Liz. I believe that we have different ways that we can take these moments, and I love that you took it to a beauitful road of moving forward. Your photo goes beautifully with the theme of this post. I can feel the motion...and woosh of goodness.
Thank you...xoxoxox
Wow. I know this experience well, in the form of unrequited love, or a painful crush, if you will. I will never again be the woman I was before I turned 35. We didn't have an affair, but just this man's presence in my life, for 16 short weeks (my professor), totally changed my world. I never would've thought that I could feel such things, so deeply connected to another human being. Amazing, and truly heart-breaking!
I wish you joy & laughter and a wonderful time together with your friends this weekend! What an exciting time for all of you! Look forward to reading about it!
I understand your pain...felt it when my surrogate mom (Betty) died...then Yoko...compounding then expands..then compounds...it feels as if it took something out of my chest.
you.are.glorious.
and simply scrumptious :)
thank you for being yoU!