on this winter's night {december views}
we are expecting another snow storm, so we headed out for provisions today. and in the frozen food aisle, this woman who appeared to be in her eighties walked up to me with two half gallons of ice cream and said, "can you help me?" i nodded. relief on her face,"is one of these vanilla? i don't have my glasses." "this one," i said, pointing to the one in her left hand. "thank you so much," she said as she turned toward her cart.
and suddenly i found myself doing that pull inward, that pull that you do with your face and your heart and your gut to keep from bursting into tears.
it was unexpected and odd and a bit silly i suppose.
but this is grief.
standing in the frozen food section, the sucker punch that is grief brought me almost to my knees.
for just a second.
as jonny stood saying, "which kind of pizza did you want?"
and i stood just looking at the cart as though in a daze.
after a few seconds of borderline annoyance (the store was the busiest i have experienced in a long time...there wasn't really space for hanging out in front of the frozen pizzas in bewilderment), he walked around to me and the pizzas and said, "are you okay?"
i waved my arm in that "i am fine...move on" sort of way.
but when he stood next to me, i leaned in for support.
"do you miss your grandma?"
nodding, the tears began.
and we chose the california pizza kitchen pizza margherita thin crust.
breathe.
keep going.
breathe.
one foot, then the other.
tonight, i took out a favorite picture that used to be out all the time, placed it on my altar, lit a candle, and remembered what love is.
i remember.
this song, this very beautiful melancholy song by joni mitchell is sitting inside my heart tonight.
i also love this version by sarah mclachlin (i listen to it all the time...her album wintersong is my favorite favorite christmas album)
and tonight i found this version by james taylor
and this pretty freaking fantastic version by corrine bailey rae
and this bluesier newer version from miss joni
sending blessings and peace to you this evening...
liz lamoreux
Reader Comments (25)
oh liz, bless your heart. i completely understand. its been 8years since my grandfather died but every once in a while something happens that reminds me of him and i'd feel like being punched in the gut. you described it perfectly with "pulling inward".
sending warm thoughts your way and wishing you a wonderful christmas!
i was so touched by this post, understanding the feelings which surge. grief surfaces in the strangest places when we least expect it. what a loving husband you have who understands and supports and love you through these moments until you feel strong again. the image you share and the words you write about it are poignant.
holiday wishes for love to embrace you and light to surround you always.
Dear Liz, I know this feeling. Boy, did you catch it in words. I hope my grandchildren love me as much you love yours. I never wish them any sadness, ever, only love. And Sky also wrote so beautifully all I could wish for you & yours.
Merry Christmas to all, and a Wonderful New year.
xox,
Joanie
liz i love being a silent observer of your blog but this post sucker=punched me. my grandmother passed away in june and these are the first holidays without her and i've found myself having those moments you described in the grocery store often. thanks for sharing your experience and giving me someone to "lean against for support"
merry christmas.
The love that you and Jon have for each other is a beacon of hope. Your post touched my heart.
Wonderful post! Your emotional tale cut straight to my heart - and found me standing right there with you in the frozen food aisle.
There are certain Christmas songs that play that immediately remind me of my dad. He used to dance around the house singing them. And even though he's been gone 18 years (!) - I can still see and hear that.
BTW, we've been loving that song lately, too! Doug just bough the Joni Mitchell album with that song on it - and I've heard at least two other versions since them. Hmmmm. Pretty cool coincidence.
Hugs to you this day, dear Liz.
Thank you for sharing your memories and true, raw emotions with us.
Lisa
Not silly at all...understandable...and you owned it and went with it, which, perhaps was the better way to handle it. She is looking down on you; I believe that...and smiling...and she knows how much you love her...and she loves you. She is with you...inside of you, always. And your love radiates.
And the help you gave that woman...you know how much she appreciated that...it was kindness and love.
Breathe indeed, as I know you always do. Love you.xo
Wonderful that you´re not alone when you have those moments. Have a wondeful Christmas and give that husband of yours an extra hug.
I put my Christmas blessing on my blog. You'll have to browse to find it. :)
oh Liz, it's so hard when these things sneak up on us like that. It's sweet that you helped her, and even sweeter that you have photos and memories of her to cherish in times like these. I hope your christmas is filed with happy memories and joy.
i understand, too...i have lost 3 grandmothers in my life, i miss all three so much and every so often, if i am lucky, i will find one of them in the grocery store, at the library, in the airport... and i will get that heaviness in my heart and yearn for them so badly, and at the same time i feel that heaviness i feel their love surrounding me... then off they go...heavy sigh.
sending you a warm hug and wishing you a very merry christmas...
xo
Liz,
I am sending your heart a little hug. I too know loss and grief. My Mom passed away in 2005 and this Christmas and your post reminded me of that kind of love that hits us side ways not really knowing where it comes from but affected by it nonetheless. Here is wishing you and yours a Happy Holiday with many blessings, hugs, and maybe a few tears for those who aren't here with us this year!
Hugs,
Jen
I so - know.
Biggest hugs to you. May you have peace and precious times ahead.
You've obviously been blessed with precious souls in your life. Carry that with you.
Those are jewels more valuable than the all the stars in the sky.
I'm so sorry about your Grandma. It must be so hard particularly at this time of year. I am thankful that you have Jon and he understand you and "knew". I have a dear friend who is sitting in the hospital this holiday "waiting" for her Gramma to pass. My warmest thoughts to both of you this Christmas.
xoxo
Thanks Liz, for expressing what most of us feel at this time of year....loss of those who arent here to share it with us...and rememberence of love we felt with them...and for a lot of people it is the hardest time of year...xx
Merry Merry Christmas my dear friend!
xoxoxoxo
Kim
Liz,
I feel this way every Christmas since losing my mom 6 years ago. NO matter how hard I try I can't feel christmas anymore.
This is one of my favorites too. Love Sarah's version.
mmmmmm.
i'm feelin ya.
This song... its the melancholy and grief... nostalgia the stings bittersweet at this time of year... breathing deep into each moment with you, dear one.
My grandfather has been gone for years. I still have those odd moments that jerk at my heart strings -- just the other day, remembering how I could just wander down to the farm, find him cutting wood or feeding the cows, and he'd always greet me with a smile, no matter how hard he'd been working, and I could just hang out there, no expectations, just being me. What a precious thing. Hugs to you, my dear.
sending much gentleness, understanding, and compassion your way. you expressed this in such a beautiful way, just lovely. i can empathize on a deep level.
with lots of love,
mccabe x
You know why the lady walked up to you and not someone else? You know why? don't you?
to remind you to remember and think and embrace the memories and the love for your grandmother...she came along...(that is the way the universe choose...) to come along...to touch your heart...even with tears...to just remind you 'i'm still here'.
Embrace...love...remember...love you xx
Your post left me in tears. I have those moments too, not as often now but still...On Jan 15th it will be 8 years since my Mum passed away. Still I miss her and those moments that come are not random they come as one of your other readers said to remind us.
Peace to you. Thanks for writing such a beautiful, creative blog.
I just came upon your blog through Christine over at BlissChick. It almost seems intrusive to comment for the first time on a post so intimate, but you touched my heart with this so deeply.
The parallels just astound me... Just today, driving home from the supermarket in the midst of a morning's snow, my husband when a song - "O" by Dave Matthews - that reminds me so much of my Nanna came on the radio. The tears nearly surfaced, the husband was sweet, the road twisted on and all is well, but she is still there, at the edges of my vision, reminding me she will always be there with her crochet hook to mend my heart whenever there's a tear.
Blessing to you, and thanks for the connection of grandmothers and snow and supermarkets and songs.
Marisa
god lizzie
i missed this post...and odd
because last night i broke down
terribly and cried missing my
Dad.
I SO understand ~ all that love
and missing and yearning
just wells up and spills over
and you know....you have spoken
to me about your Grandmother and
you just fill the world with so much
more love having had her love in your
life....in this way you share
her beautiful spirit with us
and you are SO your Grandmother's
girl:)
(smushy big hugs )