let go of the beast inside
We are so accustomed to disguising ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.
François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
As I was walking in Portland yesterday, I had this thought that there is something I would really like to share here but I can't. Something that someone said to me recently that stopped. me. in. my. tracks. I was so shocked by this person's "well-intentioned but holy crap I can't believe you just said that to me and I am supposed to react to you" idea that I did not know what to do. This isn't someone who "lives" in my blog world but someone who lives in my "real" world. It wasn't earth shattering, but it was something I wanted to post about because I think people would...well...I think it would be an interesting topic. However, I know that person never even thought for a minute that what was said might hurt me or have been not at all helpful.
This led me to think about the idea that after a blog is shared with friends or family, censoring or the avoidance of certain topics might occur, and if the blog is anonymous, this probably doesn't happen as often. Whether you started out with friends and family reading your blog, told them about it after you started, or even if they don't know but you feel close with people in your blog world, you probably began to censor just a bit or avoided certain hot topics. For some, it may not be too much. For others, it might be a lot. It depends on the topic and the day and so many other things. For me, I do not really censor, but when I do, it is usually to avoid accidentally hurting someone's feelings. (I am already thinking, "Oh I hope no one is out there trying to figure out what you said. Let that go. That is not the point of this post. And no, it wasn't you. Or you.") I believe this is a place for me to reveal pieces of the truth of my journey, a place where I unpack bits of my baggage to examine and learn. But it is also a place where I seek a community of sorts. And I appreciate that this has given some people in my life the opportunity to see other sides of who I am. I know that there are topics I avoid (politics being one) because I just don't want my blog to be about debating or other things. Still, there are times when I want to say things here. I want to show another side of myself. I want to say, "hey, you hurt my feelings and I think you should know that and if you are going to do it in public, I want to reply in public." Or maybe tell a piece from my childhood or about my relationships with certain people in my life. But I believe my blog is not a place for that. Even though writing here is so personal for me and has become a big piece of who I am, this is not the place for everything.
However, if we keep these things bottled up inside for too long, they grow. It is almost as though they sprout feet and teeth and claws. We have to be careful that they don't become raging beasts inside us, threatening to alter our course with their power.
As I was walking around in Portland, I had the thought that I wished I could just share some of these things in someone else's comments. I know that is odd, but that way I could put it out into the universe and not censor. Hmmm. Then as we were walking today, I shared this next idea with Lynn, and we agreed I should put it out there.
Is there anything you want to share here that you can't share on your blog? A story that others wouldn't understand? Feelings about a hot topic? A venting that just needs to be unearthed from the depth of your being? A piece of information you just have to share? A secret's energy that needs releasing? If yes, I invite you to leave this here in the comments of this post. Feel free to leave it anonymously if you like. Just get it out of you.
I think you will feel lighter without it growing inside you.
liz lamoreux
Reader Comments (49)
oh i hope it wasn't me? i know that's not the point of this post, but really, i hope it wasn't me!
i think about this sometimes. do i censor? yes, sometimes. the painful pieces of my life's journey, the secrets, are all mine. and even if i've worked through them, there is a bit of sacred in them, and blog world isn't the place for the release. though it's been healing, this blog journey of mine.
It's interesting how we come to think we know people based on their blogging persona and by what they share on their blog. I censor myself way more than I like, but that's mostly because of one person who has the URL from years ago. She once threatened to share it with people we know mutually in our hometown. She said she wanted to tell people about my blog because she enjoys it so much--I argued that since it's my blog, I should be able to determine who I want to share it with. (I don't mind total strangers reading it, but it gets sticky when people reading it might know someone I'm writing about.) Anyone who reads my blog might think, well what's the big deal?...you're not writing horrible things. But that's just it--I might write all KINDS of stuff if that person didn't have the URL and hadn't threatened to out me to mutual acquaintances.
Oh my....I have to giggle because my sil and my uncle found my blog-that originally I set up so I could be uncensored.
Anyway I giggle because I do get certain things out in comments on other blogs. LOL. It really does make you feel lighter doesn't it?
Great post.
Loving you
XOXO
I still love him. I wish he weren't still in my life. I wish I didn't need him like I do. I wish that bit of my heart that still feels we are meant to be together would stop resisting the reality.
I don't want to be jealous, or bitter or on edge around our friends. I am trying hard to find ways to be happier, and though i'm not alone sometimes the loneliness, the fear, the inadequency are so overwhelming i find it hard to move at all.
(Thank you Liz for the space to put down some of this baggage.)
He assaulted me and I stayed his friend for years afterwards anyway.
i think i love him too much. i would do everything and anything in the world to make him happy, and although he says the same things to me, i just don't feel it. what will it take to convince my heart that i am all it needs?
What a terrific idea. However, on my blog, I am more apt to write about my relationships with "real life" family than about how I feel about other bloggers.
I love my relationships with other bloggers, but I hate it. It is ultimately frustrating. I feel that I know you, but the truth is I don't. I sometimes want to kiss you, but at times I want tell you to never come back to my site. I don't know what to say half the time on your comments. I get jealous at your way with words.
I love writing. But if I quit blogging it is because my interactions with others is both too intense and not enough.
What a fabulous idea! I love that you wrote about because it's just how I've been feeling lately, sort of censored and unable to express the things I really want to say. This is somewhat embarrassing, but I know that the boy I have a crush on reads my blog (which is sort of how we bonded and how my crush was formed), but meanwhile I think I find myself really nervous about posting certain things about myself. Not to mention, the parents of my friends who read it, former teachers, my grandmother. I give them the link b/c I want them to read, to know about me, but if I think too hard about who is reading as I'm writing, I suddenly find myself flustered and so judgemental of myself. It's a difficult balance. I'm so glad you're talking about it!
What a great post! Feel free to say whatever you need on my comments, if you need a place to vent or just purge some thoughts like those you were dealing with today.
I find I censor myself on my blog, but not as much as I would have anticipated. I want to be true, but you are right, some things just aren't meant to be shared here. I use my journal for those.
I do find I censor myself on my blog, especially about my marriage because TEG reads it. The marriage...has definitely been rocky since I had Madam. And there have been other issues as well...issues of emotional fidelity on his part, issues of my waking up to a newfound powerlessness. I have blogged a bit about the latter, but I have not touched the other, more dangerous parts of my marriage.
That being said, I am working harder on being open. My last post about money was incredibly hard for me to write and put out there--I almost deleted it a half dozen times. I felt forbidden somehow, but it's my truth, so I wanted to explore it and face it in the day.
Thanks for the topic...and I loved your quote!
xoxo, Mon
Liz, I come here quite a bit. I really appreciate the freedom you give to others, your honesty, your heart, your gentle soothing words. You are a gift and an inspiration and I am thankful for this place to come, feel comforted, encouraged, a little more whole, and a bit braver than before I came. I hope that today you yourself feel this uplifted.
Blessings to you,
jeannette*
i gave the url to a few people
in the very beginning...
my sister in law
in korea
and my sister in law here,
but i honestly
do not think they have ever read it
and that they no longer
would have the url
for it...
since then,
i have decided i don't want
any family to know it...
if i write something
that i think they might enjoy,
i just copy paste and send
it to them...
thats why i always go by
gkgirl...i only list canada...
i don't even like to admit to
my province...
and thats why i never used
to post pictures of myself.
and i completely understand
what you mean
about the censoring being
about not wanting to hurt
anyone's feelings...
i try to stay away from
venting
if i can...just in case...
you never know who might
be reading...
great idea!
There are definitely things I don't share here. I think of my blog as an opportunity to be less afraid of showing my writing and to get inspiration from other writers. I certainly didn't expect the sense of belonging and community that I've found. The only members of my family who know anything about this blog are my two brothers, and all they know is that it exists. It's incredibly unsafe for the rest of my family to know about this - I've been critisized too harshly, as has my writing. I'd love to write about my nieces and nephews, my other siblings, but don't feel that's okay without relationship or permission. The sister I lost last year loved attention, so I think of that as permission from her to tell about her life and how much I miss her. My boyfriend and writing group are the only people who know any of the details of the blog.
I was sexually and physically abused as a child...by my father and I still feel the pain.
Thank You Liz
I was sexually abused by my babysitters husband.
I continued to have her as my babysitter years after it was all out in the open.
She was a great baby sitter, but when my family raves about how awesome she was, and how they wish I could just find someone to watch my kids who was as good as her- I want to kill them.
It's like they magically erased the sexual abuse from their minds. But it will never be erased from mine.
i can't watch the news anymore because it makes me too sad. getting divorced was the best decision i ever made. my parents are horribly disappointed in who i've become, and that breaks my heart. i am jealous of all of my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends, and struggle mercilessly to release the past because i assume they were prettier and better in bed than me. sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i would have succeeded in killing myself. i struggle to feel compassion for george w. bush. i used to go to church every sunday, but now i'm not sure what sort of god i believe in. i don't like my body, but i hate working out. i hate being jealous. my best friend drives me crazy most of the time and lately, i don't think of her as my best friend. i cry a lot.
i cry alot too, and contemplate divorce often.
Personally, I keep two separate blogs - one for my most personal thoughts that I have made as anonymous as possible, and one that more family members have discovered. Sadly, I hardly ever post on the second blog because I feel so censored. My heart goes out to all the people in pain who can't find a safe place to express those thoughts and feelings. I highly recommend checking out http://postsecret.blogspot.com/" REL="nofollow">Post Secret, a place you can send in your secrets visually expressed as a 4" x 6" postcard. This site made me feel like I was not the only one with horrible hidden parts, and it gave me hope. There is also http://grouphug.us/" REL="nofollow">Group Hug which is a place to anonymously submit your secrets as text, but I often find it to be more sensational and not as sincere as Post Secret. I hope this helps someone. Whoever you are - please don't give up hope - you are a unique and beautiful creature. You are loved.
There is lots I don't post on my blog, because although I am involved it is not my story to tell. For instance, experiences of family members with mental illness. And I certainly don't discuss relationship issues with my husband on my blog.
You also have to be aware that you can be sued for libel for posting something on your blog. It doesn't have to be someone you know, you have to be careful of unsubstantiated opinions about celebrities. And then there are people who have lost their jobs over fairly innocent comments on their blog - so no, I don't post about work much.
It's surprising there's much left to post about! But there is, and I don't feel censored. Being polite and considerate is not the same as being censored. Freedom of speech doesn't mean you have to say everything.
Lately, for many months actually, I've been feeling hurt and frustrated that my so-called "real life" friends never leave comments on my blog even though I know they read it every day. I hate it that they are so competitive, cynical, and unsupportive. Now that I have the opportunity to never see them again, I want to step away from the pain and insecurity that they cause me to feel. I want REAL friends instead of the kind that stay in contact just so that they have someone to invite to their parties. I want to walk away from them and to take their links off of my blog so I can quit thinking about it. But at the same time I don't want to seem childish or rude. I don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't know why they read my blog incessantly, but then stay silent.
I'm just tired of feeling bad about the people in my life. I feel like I need a clean break.
(luv to you Liz. thanks. YOU are a good problem solver.)
What would my life be like if my mom wasn't mentally ill? How would it feel to have a mom who cared about me as much as she cares about herself?
Why do I feel guilty every time I think about this?
I am hurt that people don't leave comments on my blog. Certain people that I thought embaced me and that I reached out to. It makes me sad and it makes me question why certain people don't allow me into their "circle". I wonder what is wrong with me...I wonder why people always hurt me. I wonder if I will ever be able to trust people fully...I've been hurt so many times it is hard for me to have faith that I will ever be loved by anyone outside of my family. What is wrong with me????
Thank you fo this Liz...
i truly feel that reading this post changed the direction my day has gone and made it better. a lot of things got resolved.
i know that my demons of insecurity might and probably will come back, but just being allowed to state it without fear of repercussion truly liberated me.
thank you.
I thought about creating an anonymous blog but I decided against it. Most of what I'd say anonymously would be evil. Like, the fact that my sister in law thinks the world revolves around her and her kids. I'd talk about the ways my mother in law gets on my nerves. I'd complain about people not soaking roasting pans with baked on food in order to make them easier to clean. I'd mention just how stupid I think it is to buy generic salt. How expensive in salt anyway? Why try to save three cents on salt? I'd make lists of things I hate and all of my pet peeves without worrying about offending someone as they discover that I am refering to something they have done. Yet as someone has already said, "Freedom of speech doesn't mean you have to say everything." so I try to be wise and share but not cause pain to those around me.
Yep, I've had that feeling. And Yep, I censor sometimes because of knowing that family members and "real life" friends sometimes read my blog.
Cool idea, Liz.
I like your new profile photo!