let go of the beast inside
We are so accustomed to disguising ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.
François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
As I was walking in Portland yesterday, I had this thought that there is something I would really like to share here but I can't. Something that someone said to me recently that stopped. me. in. my. tracks. I was so shocked by this person's "well-intentioned but holy crap I can't believe you just said that to me and I am supposed to react to you" idea that I did not know what to do. This isn't someone who "lives" in my blog world but someone who lives in my "real" world. It wasn't earth shattering, but it was something I wanted to post about because I think people would...well...I think it would be an interesting topic. However, I know that person never even thought for a minute that what was said might hurt me or have been not at all helpful.
This led me to think about the idea that after a blog is shared with friends or family, censoring or the avoidance of certain topics might occur, and if the blog is anonymous, this probably doesn't happen as often. Whether you started out with friends and family reading your blog, told them about it after you started, or even if they don't know but you feel close with people in your blog world, you probably began to censor just a bit or avoided certain hot topics. For some, it may not be too much. For others, it might be a lot. It depends on the topic and the day and so many other things. For me, I do not really censor, but when I do, it is usually to avoid accidentally hurting someone's feelings. (I am already thinking, "Oh I hope no one is out there trying to figure out what you said. Let that go. That is not the point of this post. And no, it wasn't you. Or you.") I believe this is a place for me to reveal pieces of the truth of my journey, a place where I unpack bits of my baggage to examine and learn. But it is also a place where I seek a community of sorts. And I appreciate that this has given some people in my life the opportunity to see other sides of who I am. I know that there are topics I avoid (politics being one) because I just don't want my blog to be about debating or other things. Still, there are times when I want to say things here. I want to show another side of myself. I want to say, "hey, you hurt my feelings and I think you should know that and if you are going to do it in public, I want to reply in public." Or maybe tell a piece from my childhood or about my relationships with certain people in my life. But I believe my blog is not a place for that. Even though writing here is so personal for me and has become a big piece of who I am, this is not the place for everything.
However, if we keep these things bottled up inside for too long, they grow. It is almost as though they sprout feet and teeth and claws. We have to be careful that they don't become raging beasts inside us, threatening to alter our course with their power.
As I was walking around in Portland, I had the thought that I wished I could just share some of these things in someone else's comments. I know that is odd, but that way I could put it out into the universe and not censor. Hmmm. Then as we were walking today, I shared this next idea with Lynn, and we agreed I should put it out there.
Is there anything you want to share here that you can't share on your blog? A story that others wouldn't understand? Feelings about a hot topic? A venting that just needs to be unearthed from the depth of your being? A piece of information you just have to share? A secret's energy that needs releasing? If yes, I invite you to leave this here in the comments of this post. Feel free to leave it anonymously if you like. Just get it out of you.
I think you will feel lighter without it growing inside you.
liz lamoreux
Reader Comments (49)
I'll tell you my deep dark secrets at dinner and I'll give you that deep dark date when I look at my Outlook Calendar...Hahaha...really I'll do that. You know what? I think other than wanting to be a Vampire...I don't have any other ones - OH CRAP I JUST GAVE IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!! VAMPIRE - oh no I said it again! VAMPIRE! NO! OH I need to leave..VAMP..I go to g
Wow, this is like a therapy session. I think we all have secrets, some good some bad, and many of us have secret struggles. I have written about some of them and I am not ready to have my family read about them because any type of criticism towards them or my upbringing opens a whole can of worms that I have no energy for. I have never felt accepted by my direct family, what I am and what I can give them never seems to be the same as what they expect from me so ultimately I am always letting them down. It was like this when I was a child and it has continued through to adult life. We live very far apart but after a few days together we´re back in the same old patterns. If I don´t have the same opinion on a subject as my parents, they take it personally and make me feel ungrateful for having my own mind. I wish they would just take me as I am and accept that everyone can make their own choices and that their way of living is not the only and perfect one. I AM ME and my blog is a reflection of me and the way I live and think and the place where I have found the friends and the support that is often lacking in daily life.
I've got a crush on a fellow blogger. A big one. I've met her and think she's absolutely wonderful. I'm not sure what she thinks of me, at all.
Just yesterday I received an email from my Dad who commented about something I wrote on my blog. It was a 14 page very positive journal post with two lines about my childhood disappointments. For some reason he felt he had to defend himself and tell me once again that if only I put my faith in Jesus I would be happy. He just doesn't get it...I am Happy! Poeple can be happy AND disappionted that they had a CRAPPY father! I really just want to tell him "Please,lets sever the little pretend contact we have!" My siblings think that would be mean and that they have a pretend...little contact with him...relationship and I should just keep things as they are. so I just ignore his emails...which he only writes me once every few months to tell me about how Jesus loves me and that my memories of my childhood are wrong (he actually wrote that to me!)
I try to be open about almost everything else. I do censor some things that annoy me in case my SIL's are reading my blog. I don't like them all the same. I have 6 just on Sean's side of the family, but they are competitive and some of them read my blog so I try not to write about extended family stuff.
But I wish we all could be more honest. The more honest we are the more open we feel and healing happens.
I can't believe how many people left anonymous comments...this really opened my eyes to how much more people are holding back and how much we NEED to see each other so we can communicate in a safe and comfortable place.
{Thanks Liz for this post! :) }
Liz, it's so interesting that you brought this up. it has touched many issues in all of us, listening to the comments.
i have only just realised actually, that i will leave comments for others divulging certain parts of me which i never could on my posts.
such as being married to someone for many years who suffered with manic depression and difficult that was. how resentful i have felt at times.
perhaps it doesn't feel as if *i* am actually talking about it this way. perhaps it feels safer and more anonymous.
but i have never told any memeber of my family about this blog, purely fot this reason, and yet i STILL censor.
i think i need to change this, as there are many issues festering inside which are crying to come out.
in some way i feel reading this post of yours has given me *permission* to do this!
xxx
I despise all the cliques that have formed between bloggers, many of whom have never even met face to face. So often I want to shake these people and scream, "Don't you realize this is the Internet--it's not completely REAL!" These are not REAL relationships--everything is on your own terms, is edited, there is little responsibility, it's just not how friendship IS in the real world. You CANNOT love someone you have never met! What you LOVE is simply what they've stirred up in you. Why not give some REAL love to the REAL people in your day to day lives, instead of to these characters on your computer screen??
This pains me.
But thank you.
I've thought about creating a secret blog too. I wonder if the people who read my blog would read the "secret blog"? Would they think it's too raw, too negative? And if they wouldn't read the secret blog... what does that say about if they knew the real me? *pondering*
There's only a few things that I completely censor on my blog though. Some I worry about being to negative... and some would hurt others. Like...
I didn't hold his hand before he died. I was afraid, and I'll never be able to make that up. I wonder if I'll ever be able to forgive myself?
Not exactly the stuff you can write on your blog, especially when relatives read your blog... who love you deeply, but would feel you betrayed someone that they also loved.
As a matter of fact, you're the first person I told... and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Thanks.
Hey lady, I miss you!!! I hope you 4 had fun in Portland!!
I have been meaning to call to catch up with you...too much to write.
Some highlights:
Taylor's family have all been in town for a wedding...many activities!
Taylor hit a deer, wrecking MY car for the second time in 6 months!!
My mom has been at my house a lot.
I leave for my show Friday...crazyness trying to prepare.
Miss you!! Can we PLEAZZZZZZZZZZZZE get together next week when I get back?? I don't think I can meet you as my car will be in the shop :(
Ok, will try to call later.
SMOOCH!
I don't use my real name in my blog; it is supposed to be anonymous, but then I told my boss about it and a couple friends. Sometimes I want to write about how much I am unhappy at work, but I don't because my boss will read it.
I choose not to share my blog with my "real" life friends because I am scared. I'm afraid they'll read my blog and suddenly think I'm weird or stupid or boring or any other negative adjective.
I wish I had more blog friends. There are certain blogs I read every day and I feel a real affection for the people who write them, this blog included. But, I suck at commenting, so it's hard to make connections. I want to tell these people how much I love their writing and how I admire them, but I figure my little comment won't mean much.
I don't feel like my blog is my true writing. I am always aware of how I'm writing and what I'm writing about. I think it stifles my creativity, but I still enjoy doing it.
Thanks for letting me vent. You rock!
I still think about him...i wish my husband could be the lover that he was...
i've found that many people who matter to me aren't into blogs--they aren't accustomed or interested in reading. at first that hurt my feelings but now i kind of get it. to me, it's the equivalent of not being into baseball or gardening.
fascinating topic: how much and when to share and feel in one's blog. i want to write from the heart, but i don;t want to trespass on the feelings or boundaries of others.
i am touched reading these comments. we are so fragile and vulnerable, but also so strong and hopeful.
thank you to everyone.
kj
liz, what a great idea! It's all so true. And it's been interesting to see people's responses to this. It's when I have posted about touchy issues that I get people who I didn't even realize read my blog asking me if it's them I was talking about. Sometimes I edit a little too much, but it truely is hard to put yourself out there. But it's the people who do that have made an impact on me.
The other day he said, in the middle of the fight, "If you want me to recruit me as a partner in parenting..."
I didn't hear the rest, because in my mind I thought, "Oh honey. You're no longer being recruited. You've been signed. It's time you stepped up to bat."
I couldn't tell anybody about it. Until now. Thank you.
Hi - I have lots that I would love to blog about but in the past few months, I have revealed parts of me on a previous blog and have lost many friends, people who I thought were good friends(online) and made a few enemies. It hurts alot. Do you mind if I tag along reading your blog - your words touch my soul. wish I had found the mirror meditation so that I could have participated. xo
wow. That was provoking, reading all of those feelings from others.
How I wish I could just spill everything I am holding inside, and it's a lot at times. I cannot do that. Not here, or anywhere really. I just feel like I have to work it out alone, get through these feelings that I have created. Learn the hard way how to have peace within, I am trying. But I do think I would feel so wonderful just letting every last drop of feelings I am holding in out.
thanks Liz!
Lovely & Beautiful chant, so much energy in it.
I worry I am not good enough for him. That I will do something to ruin what we have. How can I stop something bad from happening and keep everyone I love safe and healthy? I want to be skinny so I can feel complete, but don't want to make the effort to get there.
L-
Glad to know it wasn't me. : )
-M
Maybe I'm lucky (lucky candice) but I really don't have any secrets anymore. I've been incredibly blessed to have people in my life that know all the bits and peices of me. I'm out there, in the open for everyone. My blog? I censor too but not because I have to, more like you - because I don't want to hurt another person by what I say.
Love the blog - I'll keep reading!!
LC (lucky candice)
There is a lot more i would love to share in my blog both positive but esp the painful and I don't because of my profession. As I make the upcoming transition to private practice, I don't want my clients to know all, as I think it affects the therapy process in some detrimental ways. I am not one of those therapists that don't share anything about my life, far from it, but I only want to share what will generally help the client, and so this is always on my mind, because if they know I have a blog and read it while they are a client of mine, it just wouldn't feel right to me. I don't know, it sort of stinks because I really would share a lot more otherwise. BTW, deifnitely check out the site (And now BOOK!) PostSecrets- its fascinating, and the book is great in full color with all this person's postcards. I saw it at Anthropologie and it took every bit of self restraint not to buy it.
This was a GREAT post and fascinating response.
Came via this blog via a "wonderfully written, so beautifully posed" blog but, to be frank, I love this one more, more, more. No boring stories about beans and more beans...I love kids but there are other stories out there that require telling and covering subjects that are REAL - such as this one.
I don't believe in publishing a real name alongside a blog because I've watched too many people suffer for it. For every public firing, there are scores of others who lose their jobs in exactly the same way. And in the end, it's just not worth it. Had I spotted this thing six years ago, I would have said that I really hate my extended family for allowing my uncle to get away with raping me over a seven month period when I was 15 - because they all knew. All of them knew because he'd done it before. And I would have lambasted myself for remaining silent. I would have stretched detail of how I didn't feel dirty, didn't spend hours in the shower scrubbing myself or any of that, that it was something I had to 'get through' but how I held my finger firmly on the self destruct button anyway. But I'm over that. I've dealt with it and I'm done. That's life.
Now I'm just pissed off that I am an office worker. *LOL* Oh I'm a super duper personal assistant to some super duper hotshot lawyer but to be honest, the only thing that keeps me there is my salary (forgive me for saying this but the legal industry is such a wank). And you know, being in that job makes me feel like I'm being raped all over again but that I'm saying yes to it this time. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I don't have secrets as such. Okay, well maybe one. I'd like to ditch my 'raised up faith' and become a Muslim (theologically not culturally!) but I don't see that as a secret but more of a personal yearning. I don't tell lies although I do enjoy anonymity online. I feel it's the ultimate freedom to be able to create or recreate yourself or bits of yourself. Some see this as escapism. I view it as renewal.
But really, I'm just an outspoken chick with a working brain wasting it on the twelfth floor of a large building in a large city while leaving gobby remarks on other people's blogs.
;)
I know I'm late to this conversation, but eventhough I read your thoughtful post yesterday, I had to think first. I've found it very sad to read many of these comments, especially when keeping such hurtful feelings and memories so close inside of us seems to make everything worse. I hope writing some of these things out has made people feel a bit lighter and maybe that their voices have been heard.
I've only been blogging since May and I still find this whole commenting business quite difficult. For some reason, I feel so tentative about writing in what I consider to be someone else's space. Maybe because I am shy in real life, perhaps because of my fear of foot in mouth (which runs in my family).
Anyway about the whole self censorship thing, I started blogging as a way back into writing fiction sometime. There are stories that I'd like to write, mostly around my pregnancies, about the loss of my babies. I've started but I find it so hard. I'm not afraid of my family reading my blog or even my close friends. It's more the people I know just a little bit or not at all. So I write about banal things instead and I feel all blocked up. Funny thing is, that when I used to write stories, I was fearless (well, more or less). I was very open that my stories were about my life and I could stand up in front of an audience and read them out loud. The subject matter wasn't quite as difficult but I still covered some big themes, family, love, loss, death etc. I really want to let go of this fear. When I was in the midst of it all, I yearned to read anything even close to my own situation. Now I know why there wasn't anything much to read. Because it is so hard to write.
Whew! Thank you for giving me space to let all that out.
I dislike reading the "news" in the newspaper and listening to international news on telly. I know there are atrocious things happening around the world, and I hear about them enough by chance in the car or at work or in conversation, but I no longer seek to know all about them. I'm not ignoring that those things exist and certainly feel for everyone involved, but it wears me out mentally and emotionally. I have enough on my plate trying to keep my own world in orbit and wish those so gung-ho on political activism would do what they feel they must but quit looking down their noses at those of us trying to make our own lives run right.
found this today and wanted to share anonymously because I can't share on MY blog because my husband reads it even though I never invited him to do so.
I still love her and think of her every day. It's been 10 years since she told me but I knew a long time before that.
It's been 10 years since she moved away. Thinking the distance would make it easier, she told me.
It's been 10 long years of wondering why I stay with him when I don't love him like he loves me.
It's been 10 years of staying in the marriage for the kids.
It's been 10 years of hiding who I really am because society doesn't accept and I'm afraid.
It's been 10 years and will probably be 10 more because I just can't leave him even though I love her.
i feel heavy upset with sister-in-laws deeds.i'm trapped in all the way and he(my hus) not going to support me,can't tell she is wrong .how can i expose her helllllllllllllllp.