::yes::
lately, i have been asked variations of one specific question: is there anything i can do?
i have to admit that i am so grateful when someone does ask this because often it means they are putting their own thoughts/need to share a story/need to tell me advice to the side and trying to understand what i need, what we need. and when i hear that question, sometimes the answer simply comes right out of me. and this can mean that the answer is too quick and not quite what the other person wanted to hear. other times i am not honest and just say, "oh we're/i'm okay."
after spending time at the reveal retreat with some beautiful, amazing, strong, brave women and encouraging them to hold the space for one another, for themselves, to ask for what they need, to own the truth that lives inside them, i am pushing myself to show up here and ask you, whomever might be reading this, for what i need.
our daughter ellie jane turned four months old yesterday, and this friday morning, october 8, she will be having open-heart surgery.
yes.
this is why so many people have been asking if there is anything we need.
this is why my heart feels like it might break right in two at any moment, and i keep visualizing all the energy and wisdom and knowledge of the women who came before me somehow constantly stitching it together so that i don't simply combust from the fear and can instead be completely present for whatever ellie jane needs.
this is why i am so grateful for the gift that was...that is...eleven amazing women showing up to share in community and truth and love and giving themselves permission to share pieces of who they are and where they stand on their journeys. because, truly, where else would a mama who is me be with her baby girl when we stand facing the scariest, most important day of our lives, than surrounded by eleven other women who have given themselves the gift of revealing the beauty amidst all of the "stuff" that brought them to this moment?
yes.
i am simply taken out at the knees by the truth that is the gifts given to one in the midst of the fear and the desperate hope. to be honest, it almost pisses me off because it just never stops...the beauty standing shoulder to shoulder with the shit. how the beauty and the joy and the hope and the truth shift it all.
however, i do not always remember this. nope. i do not always see that beauty. sometimes i am so far under the fear that i am hoping i have the snorkel + mask from our old house on oak road in my pocket so i can somehow breathe as i try to remember which way takes me to the surface.
and so today, i will answer your question, your beautiful question of "is there anything i can do?"
yes, you can do something for me...for us.
you can spend a moment or two thinking about a loved one in your life, someone you want to spend some time with, someone maybe you need to see or talk to. consider asking that loved one to join you in doing something you love. perhaps you will meet a friend for a date or take your son to the park or ask you mother to join you for an afternoon of paints and collage papers or take your daughter and her best friend to the ocean or sit curled up with your cat and have a poetry reading for two or invite your husband on a photography adventure or count the squirrels with your dog or call someone whose voice you need to hear.
do this.
then, spend some time thinking about the love that filled the space between you as you connected with one another. maybe this love was apparent, maybe you have to really spend some time being open to finding it in the tiniest sliver of a moment.
you will find the love.
then, maybe you could take a second or two to gather up some of this love and send it ellie's way this friday morning and in the days that follow.
because here is the truth (my truth): i want to one day be able to do these things that you will do. i want to be able to do these things with her...i want her to dip her toes into the ocean and giggle as the sand rushes between her toes. i want to read to her every single mary oliver poem i can find. i want to teach her tree pose and how to braid her hair. i want to hold her hand in mine while her daddy holds her other hand as we walk off a plane in paris. i want to hear her first word and her 100,000th. i want to walk with her through an indiana cornfield. i want to tell her everything i know so her path is always filled with soft light if she chooses to seek it. i want to hear her laugh at yet another of her daddy's silly jokes. i want to sing to her until she joins in. i want to watch her stand tall rooted in her own truth on her path even though her back will often be toward me as she finds her way.
yes.
and i know that it is the brave choice to answer, "yes, there is something you can do." i know it is the brave choice to say, "you can be a light on my path so i don't get lost in the darkness. if you really want to help, you can sit inside the love in your world and then, for just a moment or two, shine just a bit of your light this way."
each day this week and the next and the one after that, i am going to push myself to make the brave choice.
yes.
(thank you)
her heart {my heart} in on truth and love
Reader Comments (62)
oh liz, the love light that i'm going to shine your way this friday is so very special. it will be the love light that bursts out of one lucky daughter (me) and reaches out in joy and strength to another daughter (your sweet darling ellie jane).
you see this friday is my father's birthday. and more than ever this year i will be celebrating him. i plan to make him feel special. i plan to tell him how happy i am that he is here.
and i plan to save up a big juicy chunk of the love in my heart on that day and send it to you and ellie jane <3
love and peace, friend
Vx
you bring ellie, i've got the corfield. the three of us will sit and have a picnic
and watch the cows across the gravel road. this i will hold onto.
i love you dear girl and this little gift of words. then are close to my heart. holding as
tight as i hold the vision of us snacking in the corn.
oh Liz...such a beautiful post. I will send as much positive energy and prayers your way as I can muster.
...*tears*...
Dear Liz, I am not very brave, but I know how to pray. I will pray. You have also challenged me to make brave choices. One a day, I can do one a day.
oh, Liz, holding all of you in love and light. will be holding the very, very best thoughts for Ellie come Friday morning. much love. xo
reading the description of what you want for ellie makes me want to be a mother. and you know how i feel about that topic in general. so this should tell you how beautiful and powerful your writing -- and you -- are.
Liz -
I will be saving space for you, Ellie and Jon in the days and weeks ahead. I will lay a ohoto of the two of you on my alter for safekeeping and meditation . My thoughts, prayers and light will be sent your direction. Much love and friendship always.
XO - Carrie
I will be your shining light, like a beacon on a hill at night. I will be your voice, near and far, telling the truth about who we are.
This weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving. I know there will be much to be thankful for, including the perfect healing of Ellie's heart. All will be well.
Lifting my lantern high. xox
You got it.
Wishing the very best for Ellie Jane (my daughter's name is Jane!) and you.
xo
Dearest Liz, my family and I are sending all our light and love your way
just a (((hug)))...and a message of love.
Thanks for this powerful post
i will think of you and your little ellie much this week...
sending love and hope and happy thoughts and healing thoughts
your way...
xo
i don't have the words; you have opened up a floodgate that won't be closed. streaming love and light to you, jon, ellie, the world. i will be keeping you all close in prayer on friday and always.
Liz, I close my eyes. In the darkness I see a thin line of light rising on the horizon. I see your daughter, Ellie Jane, and her arms outstretched to a new day of boundless hope and love. She reaches for her parents, for you. She is smiling, full of life.
October 7 is a new moon. My intention is set. This one is for Ellie Jane. Yes.
Love,
Mia
Hello Dear One ~ I am sending healing thoughts and prayers your way. Your Ellie is strong, just like her mama. I will be thinking of your entire family all week. xoxo
You have truly touched my heart deeply with this post. I have been doing what I love...and as I do....I have been gathering up that love in my heart to send your way for all the most precious healing in the world for Baby Ellie Jane...and may some of that love and healing spill over to you and her Dad. Many blessings....keeping all in my thoughts and prayers.
my friend,
i will pray for you and your family... always and especially now.
love
love
and
blessings.
How absolutely beautiful and tender. You are an amazingly strong woman and the perfect Mama for Ellie Jane. I will do exactly what you ask- tomorrow and the next day and the day after that... Thank you for giving us this opportunity to send light and love your way.
Holding you all in light.....with love xx
Inspired by the lovelyJennifer of Sacred Cake, I have written a tiny homage to your little darling.
Thank you for this gift, Liz. Even in your most heart-wrenching moments, you are still thinking of others and giving to the world.
x
I will share my love with you. Big hugs, prayers, light and love to you and your precious family. You are stronger than you know.
Peace!
Liz, I am sending a big, emerald green, glowing heart of a YES to you and your beautiful, wee family. You have a world of women praying for you all. Women seen and unseen, gathering their strength and sending it out on breath and wings and love.
Sending you love and courage to face all that tomorrow brings!
jess